you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
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glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles